1007. Golf widow

Last night I received a bouquet
With my husband's note, "I've gone away."
I'm sure that he musta
Gone off to Augusta,
The Masters is starting today.

1006. I'm a poet lariat

A crusty ol' cowboy named Charles
Just hates when his best lasso gnarls.
He can't rope a calf
When his loop flies just half
The way there, and he cusses and snarls.

OP101. The vanity of profanity insanity

My entry from a just-for-fun contest on Reddit. We had to use the word "girdle".

I've noticed some people can't bear
To hear even a casual swear
It seems odd that a word'll
Get under their girdle
As for me, I don't fucking well care.

1005. SWELL problem

A stink-fingered bozo named Boyd
Had one very raw hemorrhoid.
He sat on the pot
And reached for the spot.
When he found it, he scratched and he toyed.

1004. Fat fate

In need of the old bypass gastric,
A huge woman also was spastic.
At a dance she did slip,
Made her fat partner trip
Not the Light but the Heavy Fantastic.

1003. He could also use Royal Jelly

A descendant of great Nibelungen
Is proud of his dick (he's a hung 'un.)
In his gasoline car
Keeps a Vaseline jar
To use if he finds him a young 'un.
(Click the last word in line 1 for its definition.)

1002. Library libertine

There once was a fellow named Dean
Who read only books dubbed 'obscene.'
For he was a hedonist
And was the readin'-est
Fan of filth ever was seen.

1001. Fitting for this number

Scheherazade, Maid of Arabia,
Declared, "You know, I think that maybe a
Man every night
For 1000 just might
Set a World Record streak for one's labia."

OP100. Congrats!

I figured I'd celebrate The Limericist's 1000th limerick, and the 100 from the rest of us, by making this milestone limmie to honor the people who have made this site what it is.

Though we're not so good at karaoke
With limericks we're okie-dokey
So, a toast to the hosts
Who can boast the most posts
Me, The Limericist, OkieJokey!

There have been others, and to them, thank you as well.  I only put myself first in the limerick to make the anapest work.

996-1000. What a GRAND time I've had!

I've come to my limerick mille,
One concerning a lovely jeune fille.
Though uncharacteristic
No filth, not sadistic
However, she'll be deshabille.

One night when she stepped from the shower
Heard her doorbell ring, this made her sour.
She threw on a teddy
And thought she was ready
To see who had come at that hour.

She opened the door and -- surprise!
Her pastor stood there with huge eyes.
For her teddy was tiny,
Not cov'ring her hiney,
And neither did it reach her thighs.

He really did try to avert
His look, but her lack of a skirt
Made him zero right in
And start lusting (a sin)
With his manhood no longer inert.

While still looking somewhat askance
He managed to raise up his glance.
He said, "We've a date.
Am I early or late?
And are you wearing that to the dance?"

995. Staying unencumbered

An "I-play-the-field" man named Steadham
Likes taking out women to bed 'em.
And he is real deft
When he enters the cleft
At avoiding proposals to wed 'em.

OP99. Boned. James Boned.

There once was a young British spy
Who thought he would give men a try
He'd often had women
This time, let a him in
But the cock up his crack made him cry.

994. Clothes bake the man

A dirty cross-dresser named Hurdle
Got hot when he put on a girdle.
The heat 'round his middle
Burned just like a griddle
And caused all his semen to curdle.

993. Ya glotta like this one

There is a young lover named Yont
Whose tongue is both lengthy and gaunt.
He's learned how to french
With about any wench
And I don't mean "La plume de ma tante."

OP98. Paradise lost

Say hello to April's fool:

April's husband broke one of her rules
For he came from a set of rich fools
So she made him pay
In more than one way
He's cut off from his family jewels.