543. He's turned a new Leif

There once was a blue-eyed blond Viking,
Whose looks (most would say) were quite striking.
His straw-colored curls
Sure attracted the girls
But gay boys were much more to his liking.

542. GAAP is crap

That's the acronym for Generally Accepted Accounting Principals.

A wicked accountant named Jon,
Was inspired by the guys at Enron.
With a few other crooks,
Our bad boy cooked the books
And came up with a stockholder con.

PD26-27. Daredevils

It's been quite a while since I posted any which weren't written by me.  These two have been around forever -- thus the PD designation above (Public Domain.)

There once was a man named Adair,
Who was laying his girl on the stair.
The bannister broke
So he hastened his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a woman from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her man
Seated on the divan,
"I think I've discovered one more way!"

539-541. Wolfgang

Mozart's middle name -- Amadeus --
Means "Lover of God."  He can lay us
Prostrate in the aisles
And give leaders big smiles
When conducting a Mass from the dais.

For piano or strings or woodwinds,
His concerti need not make amends.
For none's second-rate,
And some are just great!
His talent, I'd say, never ends.

The symphonies rarely do fail,
To brighten, enlighten, assail
Our spirits with joy.
(Some were done when a boy!)
A genius, he, so all hail!

I could (and probably should) go on and on.  I didn't even mention his chamber works, operas, solo piano pieces, requiem, divertimenti, etc.  I'll never forget turning 40 and lamenting to a friend that I didn't feel as if I'd accomplished much thus far in life.  She kindly mailed me a card and wrote "Don't be depressed.  When Mozart was your age.... he'd been dead five years!"  (Thanks a lot, Suzy!)

538. Who says Southerners are slow?

There once was a redneck named Drew,
Who would finish too soon when he'd screw.
The word got aroun'
In his small southern town
So his chances for sex were quite few.

536-537. At the table

A Mexican chef named Don Cuesta,
At Hispanic cuisine is the besta.
He can take some carnitas
And make great fajitas,
Providing an awesome fiesta.

An œnophile whose name is Mavis,
Has a wine degree from UC-Davis.
When all's done and said
Still eats fish with a red (!),
Which makes her a real rara avis.

534-535. Sobriquets

There once was a fellow named Archie,
From the small Okie town of Okarche.
But then he did roam
Up to Joan Rivers' home.
Oklahomans have nicknamed him "Larchie."
   (She's from Larchmont, NY.)

An oversexed husband, Calhoun,
Has anal sex each afternoon.
He reams out the butt
Of his wife, so that slut
Has nicknamed him "the man in my moon."

532-533. Brit names

A naughty old Englishman, Nevil,
Sought out a street walker to revel.
His trip to her quiff
Got him both clap and syph
And his doctor bill cost like the devil.

A pharmacy student named Cecil,
Took a pretty young thing to mud wrestle.
While down in the muck
They decided to fuck
And her mortar got poked by his pestle.

531. See-saw for one?

A crazy old geezer named Gray,
Likes to go to a schoolyard and play
By himself (teeter-totter.)
I think that they otter
Assess him and put him away.

530. Bridge of troubled waters

A bold old bridge player named Flack,
For aggressiveness never did lack.
Bid "3 No" with 19,
All passed, oh how mean!
The dummy had only a jack.

529. We want cloudy

Phil the Groundhog from near Punxsutawney,
Today will come out on his lawn.  He
Will duck back inside
If his shadow's beside
Him.  If not, next six weeks will be bonnie!

528. Ouch couch

A masochist woman named Dot,
Could only sleep well on a cot.
Said she "It's too narrow
And hurts to the marrow,
I LIKE it, believe it or not!

Did you hear about the masochist who said to the sadist "Hurt me, Hurt me!"?
And the sadist said "No."

527. Church kneeler

There once was a hooker named Opal,
Fascinated with all things Europal.
On a visit to Rome
(Under St. Peter's dome),
She sucked off the sex organ Popal.

525-526. ...if it ain't got that swing

A trumpeter felt quite forlorn
When he tried to coax jazz from his horn.
His improvisation
Produced consternation.
The notes that came out were pure corn.

The rock-n-roll(?) singer, Pat Boone,
Had a fine voice with which he would croone.
He tried to sound black
But his melanin lack
Made purists say "He's a buffoone!"

523-524. Sappho laugho

A lesbian woman confessed,
"My method of sex is the best.
I like pussy lickin'
(It tastes just like chicken!)
And gettin' my firm tits caressed."

A girl and her lesbian lover,
Liked to get 69-style, then hover,
To slather with spit
The other's big clit
Before licking it up undercover.