884. A fore-Bode-ing attribute

A Winter Olympian, Miller,
When fucking his wife would near' kill her!
His pecker was huge,
It was sleek as a luge,
And just like his skiing, did thill her.

OP58. Look somewhere else

An alien dude and his wife
Heard that Earth with smart humans was rife
They conducted their search
At the Westboro church
But they found no intelligent life.

883. Free sex education

A madam named Mamie O'Toole
Wouldn't give a discount, as a rule.
But when strapping young bucks
Came to have their first fucks
Price was free and she "took 'em to school."

882. Linebacker material

I've heard of a woman named Connie
With pubic hair colored all tawny.
But few fellows know it
Or ask her to show it,
She's 6'3", 240 and brawny.

881. Not marriage material

The Irishman, Seamus Muldoon,
Has looks which make all the girls swoon.
With manners impeccable,
They find him quite neckable
Until they learn he's a buffoon.

880. "Gentlemen, choke your chickens..."

A fraternity cook, slightly perved,
Had a contest for which guy deserved
To get fed first for dinner.
Said, "Circle-jerk winner!"
A pure case of first come, first served.

879. MTT in T-Town

The esteemed Music Director of the San Francisco Symphony, Michael Tilson Thomas, is speaking at the University of Tulsa tomorrow night.  I plan to be there and am curious as to what his topic(s) may be.  I understand that his brilliance extends beyond the podium.

The conductor so fine, Tilson Thomas,
Makes me future-gaze like Nostradamus.
I predict Michael's lecture
In our small prefecture
Will not make the audience vamos.

OP57. The secret to happiness

For some reason, I think you'll like this one.

There once was a man, short and stout
Who steadfastly refused to pull out
For what he's clearly seen is
That all true happiness
Will come from within, not without.

OP56. Keeping it kosher

There once was a man from Macon
Who didn't eat ham or bacon
He looked like a dork
So he pulled on his pork
His virginity never was taken.

Well, if you are what you eat, you can't call him a pig...

878. Change balls?

An impotent golfer named Butts
Saw a doctor to ask, "Am I nuts?
Straight with iron or wood
And my distance is good,
But what can you do for my putz?"

877. Gazing geezer

A very old man of poor rearing,
Had a habit of constantly leering.
Girls would shout at him, "Hey!
Quit staring that way!"
He'd say, "I'm 93, whatcha fearing?"

876. Don't switch hands!

Much more dangerous than rubbing your stomach and patting your head...
While carving the Thanksgiving turkey
A man also gave his beef jerky!
Two meats got abused
Which left him amused
And he showed it by looking quite smirky.

OP55. How about Darth Vader as the Tar-Baby?

Now that Disney owns Star Wars, methinks
There’s a swell chance for cross-over links.
     They could surely embarrass
     Poor Joel Chandler Harris:
Unc' Remus’s rôle – Jar Jar Binks!

Song of the South (1946), based on the fables of Joel Chandler Harris (1848-1908), was Disney’s first full-length film to combine live actors with animation.  It starred James Baskett as raconteur Uncle Remus and featured the Oscar-winning original song Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah as sung by Baskett.

Disney also seeks the rights (not!) to make an animated version of The Passion of the Christ.  In the scene where Pontius Pilate offers the crowd its choice of prisoners for pardon, the mob shouts, “Give us Br’er Rabbit!”

875. Retallyation

There once was a husband named Ned
Whose wife wouldn't join him in bed.
Took his long tallywhacker
And with it, did smack her
A good one up 'side o' the head.

OP54. One for the road

#873 reminded me of one I had made up a while ago...

There once was an old man who died
His widow we found by his side
She politely implored us
"Since he's got rigor mortis
Would you please let me have one last ride?"

874. Bad timing and rhyming

An eager young fellow named Buck,
When wooing girls, has lousy luck.
As soon as he meets 'em
He speaks up and greets 'em:
"Hi!  My name is Buck, wanna dance?"

873. What a way to go!

An octogenarian, Conner,
Found a willing young thing and climbed on 'er.
Then all things went black
And his pecker went slack,
I'm reporting that Conner's a goner.

872. Petulant pose

I know of a maiden, a bimbo,
Who stands with her arms all akimbo.
Doesn't give guys the hots,
(Body language says lots.)
Her love life is always in limbo.

871. Calendar girls

A ménage à trois one afternoon
Debunked a man’s theory quite soon.
He'd been in full command
So could not understand
Why May didn't come before June.

870. Double dose

A carefree and dissipate chap
Thought VD alerts were all crap.
He engaged an old whore;
Proved him wrong, made him sore
By giving him syphilis and clap.

869. Voyeur in the foyer

A good-looking woman named Suzi
Has a body that's really a doozy!
Her husband named Les
Likes to watch her undress
And then join her in the Jacuzzi.

868. DST -- STD?

Time for another Spoonerism:
I have a good friend with a knack
For getting things all out of whack.
Daylight Savings found Rick
Putting tar on his dick,
Told him, "Hey!  I said turn your clock back!"

867. General business

How about CIA head Petraeus!
Do you think his affair did betray us?
If your or my spouse
Were as plain as a mouse,
We'd too find a Broad(well) to lay us.

866. Don't argue with her -- dicker!

We guys don't like gals who demean us,
Or allow petty bick'rings between us.
When these things occur
It seems only to spur
Us to to shut 'em up with a hard penis.

865. Putting a damper on things

An accused felon thought he could lunge
At the judge's notes so's to expunge
All his crimes written down.
He proceeded to drown
The whole docket!  He used a wet sponge.

864. Sounds fishy

There once was a lady named Jeter,
Who'd take on 'bout any man's peter.
But the smell of her cunt
Was quite an affront,
Guy's might fuck 'er but they wouldn't eat 'er.

863. Smoked by the censers*

A potty-mouth comic named Larson
Appeared one night on Johnny Carson.
Got bleeped 'cause his shtick
Had a joke 'bout a dick
Being sucked by a nasty old parson.

*The firepots swung by priests -- holy smokes!

862. Hard work at play

A pretty fair golfer named David
Has trophies which all are engraved.
His vic'trys aren't easy,
From pressure, gets queasy;
Each time that he's won, he has slaved.

861. Head in the clouds

When cutting a foul-smelling fart,
Bartholomew makes it an art.
Along with the gas
Dark smoke shoots from his ass!
No wonder they call him Black Bart.

860. Alas, poor Yorick...

A terrible actor named Dan
Was easy for critics to pan.
His Hamlet portrayal
(A Shakespeare betrayal)
Turned off ev'ry possible fan.

And the winner is...

Back in September, I mentioned that I'd entered a limerick contest for Tulsa's annual ScotFest and that the winner would receive a Kindle Fire.  Well, I won and am enjoying it immensely.  I submitted seven different entries.  Here's the one that got the most votes:

A bonnie Scot lassie named Annie,
Enjoyed dressing up for things clanny.
It made her quite glad
To put on her plaid,
Worn tightly to show off her fanny.
I didn't number this post since the limerick already appeared in Nov. 2011 as #321.

859. He should meet Anastasia in #858 (below)

A man's interest started to dwindle.
Women's sex drives he just couldn't kindle.
Never mounted a charge;
His dick was so large
That no gal's record fit on his spindle.
For this to make sense, you need to be old enough to remember vinyl records...