858. Avast! It's a vast one

I heard of this gal, Anastasia,
With so large a cunt, it would amaze ya!
Men often would slip there
And injure a hip there
Which caused a good deal of dysplasia.

856-857. No-win situation?

One week until the election...
If you choose as your president Mitt,
You will be like an inmate in Git-
Mo, locked up in a hush room
And kept like a mushroom --
In the dark and fed nothing but shit.

If Obama you should re-elect,
Same old things will take place, I suspect.
Massive handouts won't cease,
Deficits will increase
And new bills the Repubs will reject.

855. What the H?

There once was a woman named Miles,
Who rarely, if ever, gave smiles.
For it seemed that the bitch
Had a terrible itch;
Only anal sex soothed her sore piles.

854. No joy in Mudville

Notre Dame was much tougher than thought,
Enormous, yet fast, and they fought
A bit harder than we

Plus, they played error-free --

30-13's the whipping we got.

853. Boomer Sooner!

Of our Sooners we never do tirish,
Even when situations seem dirish.
But tonight you can bet
That we won't have to sweat
As we stomp on the damned Fighting Irish!
That's crimson, not red.

852. Inscrutable

Here is an off-the-cuff limerick:
My physician is named Doctor Lesher.
His visage could use a refresher.
He is an enigmo
When using his sphygmo-
manometer for my blood pressure.

OP53. Worlds apart.

Though budget concerns may constrain us
Missions to other worlds entertain us
While some say it’s stupider
To send men to Jupiter
I’d rather go there than Uranus.

 Great limerick, Dave!!  I've never changed anything in an "OP" post, but the following deserves to appear!  Hope you don't mind... Phil.

851. Just beat it

A dirty old bachelor named Jarius
Enjoys watching porn (he's vicarious.)
He thinks it is cool
To sit loping his mule
But in fact, the scene's rather hilarious.

PD52-54. The limerick in song

Perhaps all this limerick writing has me thinking in anapæst and has affected my subconscious.  I awakened with Gershwin's "It Ain't Necessarily So" from Porgy and Bess running through my head.  Its lyrics (by brother Ira) follow the AABBA rhyme scheme.  Here are the first and last verses:

It ain't necessarily so,
It ain't necessarily so.
The things that you're liable
To read in your bible
Just ain't necessarily so.

Methuselah lived nine hundred years,
Methuselah lived nine hundred years.
But who calls that livin'
When no gal'll give in
To no man what's nine hundred years?
For the complete lyrics click this.

Beginning in the late 50's there was a black show band from North Carolina called "Doug Clark and the Hot Nuts."  They played to mostly college-age audiences throughout the south and I saw them live at least three times.  I just checked Youtube and discovered that they are still touring!  I daresay that I learned many 'classic' limericks from their rendition of  "The Limerick Song", sung to the tune of Cielito Lindo.  The chorus went

"Ai-yi-yi-yiiiii, 
In China they do it for chili.
So here comes another verse 
That's worse than the other verse 
And waltz me around by my willie."
and those were about the cleanest lyrics they sang!  Shocking stuff back then...

850. Global warming

My grass is as green as can be
And today's temp may reach 83!
I must not be sober,
Is it late October?
I'm wond'ring if winter we'll see...

849. Clothes make the man

A woman of great ill-repute
Would fuck any guy in a suit.
But those who dressed down
She dismissed with a frown
As beneath her (although some were cute.)

848. Pretend there were cell phones in 1815

Before Waterloo dealt him defeat,
Napoleon texted his sweet.
Didn't fly through the blue,
Tried again, did go through,
That was Bonaparte's final re-tweet.

845-847. C'mon baby, let's do the twist

An unusual youngster named Merle,
Took a pretty young girl for a twirl.
His appendage most male
Was just like a pig's tail --
It was shaped in a definite curl.

He succeeded her pants to unfurl,
Then unzipped, showing his priceless pearl.
Her shock was so great
There was no way she'd mate,
In fact the sight caused her to hurl!

Though at first his dick's twists seemed anoink,
She decided she would like to boink
And told him "Let's try it."
He caused a small riot
When instead of "OK!" he said "Oink!"

844. Clothes make the woman

An acid-tongued woman named Natalie
Could turn down all suitors quite cattily.
These men were attracted --
Not through how she acted --
But 'cause she was always dressed nattily.
I'm reminded of the x-dresser, Natalie Cladd.

OP52. He's a giver

There once was a fella, the owner
Of a rather obscenely large boner
He willed it to science
In perfect compliance
As a registered sex organ donor.

OP51. Baad boy

There once was a girl from Peru
Whose sexual cravings were few
So her boyfriend would keep
Having sex with his sheep
And would tell her, "I'll always love ewe".

PD51. It's been a while

This famous one was sent me by Boulderite who often reads here and sometimes comments.  In looking through the archives to see what number to assign it, I found I'd not posted any classics since August 31st.
 
While Titian was mixing rose-madder,
His model posed nude on a ladder.
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

843. Inspired by PD51 (above)

Ol’ Titian was good with the nudes,
Sometimes painted with cherubic broods.
Girls’ braids?  Had to lose ‘em.
To show off the bosom
He made ‘em put hair up in snoods.

842. XXXXL needed

A very fat woman named Carol
Has a torso as big as a barrel.
When trying to buy clothing
Her size starts her loathing --
She has trouble finding apparel.

841. Careful what you wish for

Ms. Lewinsky, by tapers, shed tears,
She'd grown fatter these past sixteen years.
Prayed "God, take my love handles."
Poof!  Out went the candles
And Boom!  Shebang!  Off fell her ears!

840. Different strokes

William, a boy from Sri Lanka,
Loved to fondle his truck made by Tonka.
But now he's a teen
And fondles his pen-
is, his friends call him Willie the Wonka.

839. Super singing!

Last night my wife and I attended the Donizetti opera Daughter of the Regiment or, if you prefer French, La Fille du Regiment.  It was done marvelously by Tulsa Opera. 

"La Fille..." had no sets that were mōderne, 
But it did star our own Sarah Coburn.
High E-flat she caressed (!),
I, for one, felt quite blessed
Though her dad* often gives me a slow burn.
* Ms. Coburn's father is Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK.)

838. With a flat head on which to set your beer!

A popular woman named Jen
Gives blow jobs to men who've a yen.
As they tickle a spot
On her small epiglot-
tis their balls rest upon her large chin.

836-837. More opera doings

While rehearsing Traviata, a bossy
Male lead took the Sop. for a toss.  He
Should have been betta
But screwed Violetta,
I'd say this Alfredo was saucy.

This "plot shot" is about La fanciulla del West, or The Girl of the West.
A bandit, Ramerrez by name,
Had an alternate handle of fame.
Minnie got disabused
When 'Dick Johnson' he used,
In today's world that name would bring shame!

OP50. Puccini immortalizes '-Tang, Dyin' Nasty

Calàf, Prince of Tartar, with allure
Much like Oed'pus, solved riddles for sure.
    Answers "Hope," "Blood" and "You" *
    Precede sad death of Liù. 
Turandot's the Chink in his Amour.

* The pronoun takes the place of her name (as sung).

835. Out on a limn?

I try to post five lines per day,
But sadly, this site doesn't pay.
Should I publish a book
Read on paper or Nook?
Please comment: I'll heed what you say.

A good friend has had success by self-publishing a couple of novels.  This has me thinking there might be a market for my limericks.  I'm considering writing two books: Limericks, Lewd and Crude and Limericks, Clean and Pristine.  What think you?

834. Speechless

A math student, quite tightly wound,
Took an oral test.  Sadly, he found
That the probs. seemed insoluble.
Though usually voluble
He just didn't utter a sound.

OP48-49. Sectual tensions

There once was a Catholic priest
And the boy who objected the least
Though the boy deconverted
His anus still hurted
For the ass-fucking never had ceased

When he heard this, a Protestant pastor
Who made similar use of his blaster
Said "Although it's a sin
I can't let that priest win"
So he ass-fucked the little boy faster.

833. Unwanted side-effect

After getting vasectomized, Bill
Told his wife she could go off the pill.
During sex, William thought he'd come
But shot just a modicum,
It made a vas deferens in thrill.

832. Sometimes obscenial

I try to appear most  congenial,
Writing lim'ricks -- for me it's quite menial.
I've written a pen full
And if some are sinful
Here's hoping those sins are just venial.

831. Crackdown

An old USAF buddy emailed the following:
I saw in the paper an article about Col. Deborah Liddick being made commander of Randolph AFB.  This was brought about by the sex scandal there where 42 female recruits were harrassed or raped.  Looking at the name "Lid Dick" fueled thoughts of a possible limerick.  See what you can do with that!

I replied with "Ask and ye shall receive."

The new Randolph head's Deborah Liddick.
She's a colonel with tongue quite acidic.
Her job? "Get a handle
On every sex scandal."
If you're a guy, best keep a hid dick.

OP47. Pleasure with a price

There once was a girl named Victoria
Who, after a night of euphoria
Awoke the next day
To find, to her dismay
That she'd gotten a case of gonorrhea.

OP46. No two ways about it

When I leave them, the girls want me knowing
That they gave me an adequate blowing
That way they can say
That they blew me away
At the same time I'm coming and going.

830. Rough sledding

A vacationer staying in Gstaad,
Did something quite aad to his baad.
He went there to ski
But injured his knee
For there was no snow, only saad.
You probably figured out that the Swiss resort town is (roughly) pronounced "Shtodd."

829. " ...separated by a common language"*

* My title is part of a saying generally attributed to George Bernard Shaw.  The full quote (though not found in his writings) is "The United States and Great Britain are two countries separated by a common language." 
An Englishman - NOT with his peers -
In a bar in Ft. Worth had some beers.
Uttered "I need a fag."
Made the bartender gag
And say "Buddy, this bar ain't for queers!"

p.s. "Fag" in G.B. is common slang for a cigarette.

828. Report gets a retort

The German psychologist, Fromm,
Cut a fart that went off like a bomb!
'Twas at a convention
Of writers of mention
And brought words from Somerset Maugham.

827. Changing sides

There once was a fellow named Greer
Whose marriage was o'er in one year.
The problem, it seems,
Was he had to switch teams,
For Greer, 'twould appear, was quite queer.

826. Onanism euphemism #2

I know of a bachelor named Fricken
Who dreams about gettin' a lickin'.
But not in a fight,
No, from lips wet and tight.
Hasn't happened so he chokes his chicken.
In an earlier post found here I used another slang term for masturbation.

825. A Zildjian-to-one shot

Pardon my sicko mind...
A Thalidomide youngster named Royce
Beat pots and pans just to make noyce.
He wanted some drums
But since he was all thumbs,
His playing would not have been choyce.

824. Sticky thicket

A silly young guy named McGrew
Would chew bubble-gum when he'd screw.
One time it got loose
And stuck near a gal's sluice --
Her pubis is missing a few...

823. Aimless sex

There once was a fucker named Boyd,
Of condoms completely devoid.
He withdrew, shot his wad
On his lady friend's bod --
As you'll guess, made her highly annoyed.